The start of the beginning?

If you’d told me I’d be writing this blog a year ago, I would have laughed in your face and told you it was more likely that Tom Hardy was going to knock on my door  (butt naked) with a bottle of wine in one hand and a double decker in the other. 

But here it goes….

I am living in MY own house. A house that I chose, in the location that I wanted and that I love. There is no one controlling when I can have the heating on or saying no to me painting the walls a certain colour. However, most importantly it’s MINE, he has absolutely no financial control over me anymore. I’m on my own but so far so good.

I am controlling my own finances…I’m ashamed to admit that up until last year I had never paid a utility bill or arranged an MOT for a car. This is obviously partly my fault for allowing the control to happen but I believed I wasn’t capable of it. But I am and I will continue to be in control and organised from now on (I’ve even given up my daily costa coffee trips …….well almost).

I smiled when I received my decree absolute papers. I don’t think I ever thought I’d smile about that. Obviously I initiated the divorce after I discovered that he’d been unfaithful but I still had a lot of falling out of love to do. In fact I thought I would always think of him as my husband but all he is to me now is B’s father. The only contact we have is about B, no more money arguments or nasty and costly solicitors letters….heaven. Don’t get me wrong, I will never forgive him for what he did to me but it just doesn’t matter to me anymore.

Finally, I think and hope I’ve found someone to make my life complete (where’s some bloody wood to touch?!) 

I genuinely thought my luck had run out the day my darling B came into my life but maybe, just maybe I was wrong. I have met (through the hellish mind field that is online dating), the most incredible man. 

He is funny, considerate, understanding and very loving (bloody gorgeous too!). So what’s the issue?!

The only problem is that I still can’t quite believe it and I’m waiting for it all to go Pete Tong because that’s what happens to me right? Wrong. 

I do deserve to be in a good relationship with a lovely man and yes it may go wrong but it also might go really well. 

I’m choosing to believe it will only get better.

I’m choosing to believe that he’s not physically sick in his mouth when he touches my saggy mummy tummy.

I’m choosing to believe that he doesn’t want something when he offers to do the washing up.

I’m choosing to believe that he does think I’m pretty.

I’m choosing to believe that he has accepted that B is the most important thing in my life.

I’m choosing to believe that I deserve him.

I’m choosing to believe that I deserve all of this.

Life doesn’t always go our way and I’m certain that it won’t always go my way but we do always have the choice to believe that we can improve it, whether it’s finances, parenting or relationships.

It’s going to take a long time until I fully accept and believe the above but I’m going to try my bloody hardest. 

We all deserve to be happy, loved and living the life we want. We just need to choose to believe that we deserve it. 

***shuts eyes and wishes that my gorgeous mystery man is at the door, naked and with wine and chocolate (Tom Hardy has nothing on him!) ***

DING DONG, oh sorry there’s the doorbell I’d better go 😉

A letter to the other woman in B’s life

Dear she who will not be named ,

I wanted to take the time to write down my thoughts towards you and how I really feel about you coming into my daughter’s life. I know the chances of you reading this are slim but it is out there in the ether now so you never know!

When I heard the words “I’m going to introduce B to her” my heart sank. The thought of my child spending time with another motherly figure was gut wrenching and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I chose to laugh and say “whatever, that’s fine” to save face but inside I was thinking “who the f*** is this woman that is going to be part of my B’s life?”

Cue a week of Instagram and Facebook stalking.

Once that was out of my system, I chose to not hold judgement. It is not your fault that our marriage ended the way it did.

I remember the first time we met, Waitrose car park at 4pm. I was greeted with a crying child, a nervous ex-husband and a smiling woman who I recognised as you from the wonders of social media.  I was bloody terrified that B wouldn’t want to leave you, that she would grip onto your leg and I’d have to prize her arms from around you whilst she screamed “don’t take me away from my new mummy”. Ok that was a bit dramatic but you get the general idea….obviously she didn’t and happily left you smiling and waving goodbye to you both.

Time was a massive healer and pick-ups/drop offs became much easier. I no longer feared seeing your blonde hair in the passenger side of his car or hearing B say what she had been up to with you both at the weekend. But it still wasn’t easy.

The tipping moment for me was when B was going away for a short break with you both over New Year. I was absolutely dreading it and worried about how B was going to cope having not done that long a stay away from me before. We met in a café and I said my goodbyes to B, wishing her an amazing holiday. As I looked out of the window I saw B holding your hand and merrily skipping along with you as you giggled together. This was the moment I knew that you were not a threat to me, just an added bonus in B’s life. I now know that when B isn’t with me that there is still someone with her to make her smile, giggle and give her a cuddle if she needs it.

So the point of this letter is to say thank you, for accepting my daughter and welcoming her into your life when you didn’t have to. You will never be and don’t pretend to be a motherly figure, just a friend to her.

But really out of all of this we are the lucky ones for having such a wonderful little girl in our lives.

Love from,

The ex

x

 

 

P.S. Good luck

Guess what?

Some things change and some things don’t.

We aren’t married, living together anymore and Donald Trump appears to be one of the most powerful men in the world (who saw that coming?!).

Yet you continue to attempt to bully, patronise, intimidate and overpower me.

But guess what? It doesn’t work anymore.

I am not afraid of you.

I do not care whether you approve of me or not.

I will not do what you tell me to do out of fear.

I will not feel belittled by you.

Your opinion of me does not matter to me.

You are nothing to me now but the father of my daughter.

You may not like the fact that I am the mother of your child (and I strongly suspect that you don’t like it!) but tough. I am.

Not only am I her mum but I’m the best bloody mother she could have. Our bond is unbreakable and when she hurts, I hurt, when she smiles, I smile, when she belly laughs, I belly laugh.

I would choose 5 minutes with B over an all-expenses paid week in the Caribbean with Tom Hardy (no seriously I would!)

Our beautiful, intelligent, polite, kind and charismatic daughter is the result of a lot of hard work.

So let’s cherish her for what she is and focus on growing her amazing natural qualities…Norfolk’s biggest drama queen, a massive music fan, animal lover, a creative crafter (which she gets from you) and a singing and dance enthusiast (unless it’s her embarrassing mummy at the school disco!)

B is 50% me and 50% you and we are glued together for the rest of our lives thanks to that ginger haired miracle.

Let’s be the best team we can be because she deserves only the best and I will do absolutely anything to make sure that that happens.

So learn to communicate amicably and learn quickly because this mum isn’t going to accept anything less than that, for our daughter and for myself.

Goodbye Number 95

As I type, I’m sitting in a bare and lifeless living room that is unrecognisable to the home it once was to me. Tonight is our last night in number 95 and I have so much to thank it for….

  • B took her first steps across the kitchen (with the temptation of a tea towel being dangled in front of her face…strange child!)
  • The kitchen walls are still stained with the spaghetti bolognese and ready brek that has been thrown at it from the toddler ‘flinging food’ phase.
  • We brought our gorgeous Digby home to this house and raised him here from 8 weeks old. I will never forget how he used to sleep sprawled out on the fireplace, he can barely fit one leg on it now!
  • I got ready for my wedding here with my lovely mum and my gorgeous bridesmaids.
  • B has had 4 fantastic birthdays here and some excellent parties.
  • It has been home to a rescue cat and a rescue dog, one of which did a good job of trying to redecorate (the kitchen floor still hasn’t recovered after Dougal thought it looked appetising one day!) both of which are thankfully now very happily re homed.
  • B had her first day of school, obligatory front door photo shoot here.
  • Santa has visited this house 5 times, each time using his magic key to get in. I have assured B that his magic key will work in our next home!
  • It has survived all three of us getting the norovirus at once, thank god for houses with 3 bathrooms!
  • But my best memories of all were the Saturday morning, family kitchen dances we would have to cheesy music while the croissants warmed up in the oven. Even the dogs would join in. It was the best moment of my week for five years.

I refuse to be sad about leaving this house because the things I treasure most about it can come with me in the form of memories. The rest is just plasterboard walls and carpet.

Let’s see what the future holds for us in number 27, the next chapter…

P.S. That is after a short break living back at home with my darling mother, hope you’re ready for us Momar. Team Watts is about to land!

Like mother, like daughter

Number of days being a WASP = 389

Number of trips to A and E = 1

Number of pounds lost on new diet = 3 (may be less after the Ben and Jerrys I consumed last night but who cares!)

Let’s rewind to just over a week ago…

It’s my weekend with B and rather than go to football (she doesn’t like it and it was her father’s idea) we decided we would go roller skating!

We grabbed her roller skates, put on her Snow White dress, picked up her best mate and skipped into the sports hall with not a care in the world….this is where things started to change slightly!

I turned the corner and sitting in front of me was none other than DILF (for any members of my family reading this, DILF stands for Dad I like to Faff around with!)

Was that believable?!

Not only was the handsome man that I’m seeing there with his lovely boys but hiring out roller skates was his ex-partner….awkward much?!

He looked even more horrified than I was and who can blame him, who wants the mother of their children, children, woman you’re seeing and their children in the same room!

So we did the typical British thing of acknowledging head nods and a quick “Hello, how are you?” in between rescuing our respective children on the many times they fell on their backsides.

All was going swimmingly, B even managed to skate(or stamp her feet and not fall over) under a limbo and stay upright. However, in the midst of celebration B toppled backwards and landed with her arm outstretched, full weight on her wrist. What followed next was the most heart wrenching cry I’ve ever heard B make. I knew instantly that this wasn’t going to be one of those “oopsy, stand up darling, you’re fine” moments.

As B lay there clutching her wrist, I stroked her hair, told her everything was going to be ok and looked up frantically for someone who knew what the hell to do.

Well thank god for the DILF……he must have seen the look of panic on my face and came rushing over with his ex to help. He calmed me down and went off to call the ambulance. His lovely ex was like Florence Nightingale on skates! Ice pack and a sachet of calpol later, B was sat on my lap having a cuddle and waiting for the paramedic.

Long story short, we eventually made our own way to hospital, found out B had broken her wrist and she skipped out smiling as I’d promised her a McDonald’s for being so brave and she had got herself out of PE for the next 4 weeks….every school girls dream.

So what began as an awkward encounter, mattered not a jot when life got painful and scary. In fact I am so glad I was lucky enough to have the help of a familiar face and a not so familiar face that day.

We will definitely return to roller skating when the wrist has healed fully. But not without every possible item of safety clothing a child could possibly wear!

The attack of the green eyed monster

I’m not proud of this but here it goes…

I found myself turn into the green eyed monster very quickly today when I found out my ex husband was on his way to the Seychelles, flying business class with a glass of champagne in his hand.
Green eyed monster is putting it politely…..my exact thought was “why the f*** am I the one stuck in this house, sorting out the crap left from our 8 year marriage, dealing with estate agents and solicitors, cleaning it, worrying about paying the heating bill, looking after the dog and most importantly looking after our daughter (which is obviously not a chore)!

Why should I be the one left to deal with all this when he was the one to do the bad thing in the first place?

It is certainly not the first time I’ve felt jealousy over the past year.

Every time he has B for the weekend I feel it, every time I see happy families out and about I feel it, every time my friends ask me to go out but I can’t because I don’t have a husband at home to babysit like they do…..I feel it.

The raging green eyed monster who craves a normal family life and both the material and emotional luxuries I used to have in abundance.

It does however make you incredibly grateful for what you do have and I have the best gift of all….I get to spend my free time with B 80% of the time and I’d take that over a fancy holiday to an island in the Indian Ocean any day.

Life is different but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s worse.
To quote Sheryl Crow “a change will do you good”

P.S. I know I said all that but if anyone wants to fly me first class to a tropical island then feel free! Haha xxx

A letter to my 28 year old self

 

Dear younger, thinner, wrinkle free and very naive self,

It is probably best that you are not to know what the next year holds for you but here are some words of encouragement and advice:

  • Do not let your grief at losing your husband, marriage and family turn into anger. It will achieve nothing and will only cause more harm in the long run.
  • Solicitors love money and will charge you ridiculous amounts of it for doing very little. Use them wisely and efficiently.
  • B will be fine as she has your unconditional love. Try not to let her know the pain you are feeling inside, she will only worry.
  • Just give him your car keys when he demands them. It will stop the worst weekend of your life happening and the start of your anxiety issues (it’s a long story)
  • Thanks to the wonderful NHS your cancer scare will be fine. Stay positive through it and let your family and friends support you.
  • Keep yourself busy in the school holidays. Having a 4 year old on your own, 24/7 for 6 weeks is lovely but also bloody hard work.
  • Men will want to date you again…the vast majority will be 58 year old weirdos that think it is ok to send you messages that begin with “Hey bootiful, wanna chat?”. No thanks sexynorfolkboi60, no thanks. You won’t want to date them but there will be decent and lovely men that you will!
  • Do not press the emergency stop button on the treadmill at the gym. It will result in a lot of pain and 3 months of wearing a number of colourful but irritating plaster casts!
  • Work will keep you sane. Your students don’t know about or care about your issues so enjoy it and teach to the best of your ability.
  • The unexpected little things will upset you the most. You will uncontrollably cry during the first episode of the Bake Off because it is the first episode you have ever watched without him.
  • Finally and most importantly, your husband (sorry, ex husband) didn’t hurt you because you are a bad person, inadequate or did something wrong. He did it because of his own issues, do not ever question this.

On the positive side, you will finally be independent, build an even stronger relationship with your darling B, achieve your dream of becoming a teacher and begin to grow some self-esteem again.

I can’t say what this next year will hold but I can promise I will:

  • Continue to love, cherish and make memories with my darling girl
  • Do my job as well as I can
  • Spend all the time I can with friends and family
  • Eat the cake
  • Drink the wine
  • Take risks
  • Smile more

With love and positivity,

Your older, chubbier and more wrinkly but wiser self xxx